I'll Take Care Of You
by jonwatsn
Summary: When "Jane" is taken from her flat in the middle of the night by two strange men, she thinks she's going to die. But in truth, they're there to save her. After a mentally disturbing night, she finds her self embarking on the road trip of a lifetime.
1. Chapter 1

The night air is warm around me. Not the pleasant kind of warm. Not the kind of warm that has a soft breeze coming through your window, not the warm where you toss the sheet down your body to only cover your feet.

It's the warm where you feel like you're drowning in the air, where you feel claustrophobic and every movement is slow and distorted. The kind of warm that makes me long for crisp winter mornings.

Despite the watery state of the night, I'm buried under an ocean of blankets. I turn over to face the wall next to my bed and pull the duvet around my shoulder, tucking the corner under my chest. My toes curl in discomfort. There's nothing worse than being in a snuggly mood with this kind of weather.

I sigh and throw the covers back, ready to swing my legs over the edge of the bed and get myself a glass of water yeah good idea kudos to me. Okay no what the hell was that? My breath catches in my throat as someone starts picking the lock of the front door to my poky little flat. Wow okay obviously nothing serious. Ugh I need to stop watching horror movies. There's a pause and I lie slowly back down, waiting to check if I was in fact making it all up. Just as I let my breath out, thinking it's okay, nope there's the door opening into the hallway nope.

I immediately pull the duvet back up and roll over to face away from the door of my bedroom, adjusting the duvet so my face is hidden.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I hear someone with a strong, yet timid voice say.

"Sure," the other voice is huskier, more sure of itself. "How else are we supposed to get her to come with us?"

I squeeze my eyes shut and fight the urge to run for it. If I stay still they might leave. If I try to climb out of the window, they'll know where I am. Okay sleepy breathing, mouth open make it heavy but oh god, don't snore that'll tip them off for sure.

The soft tapping of their shoes is disjointed and echoes eerily through the hall. My heart thumps in my ears. They creak open the kitchen door. Look around. Turn. See my bedroom door opposite the one they just opened.

The insides of my eyelids make a smooth transition from black to dark orange. One of them makes a small step into the room and after slight hesitation the move forward to hover over my bed.

"Dean, this doesn't seem right," the Strong-Timid one says.

Dean sighs. "Look, we can't risk her trying to run for it. We _need _her, right? We can't afford to have her resist."

Strong-Timid Boy breathes out. "Okay, how do you wanna-"

I interrupt him by scrambling to the other side of my double bed, away from them, not even sorry. I crouch in the corner of the walls, oh god I'm like a trapped animal, pressing myself back like this. I bet they're even enjoying this, aren't they?

"Who are you?" my voice hitches and comes out weaker than I'd like.

They're staring at me in shock, then the shorter one clears his throat and puts a stern face on. "We're gonna have to get you to come with us," he's obviously Dean.

I shake my head desperately, shifting on my feet to get further away from them. "I'm not going anywhere with you."

Strong-Timid Boy puts his weight from one foot to the other, then looks down at Dean and holds his arms up in a gesture that seems to say _what did I tell you?_

Dean shrugs at him, then turns to me. "Hey, um," he furrows his brow, expecting me to tell him my name.

I lick my lips. "Jane," I have to have that name god almighty I'm an idiot.

"Jane, of course," he smiles, looking down and shaking his head like he's embarrassed that he never knew my name. "Jane, you're in danger. We're from the police department and we're gonna need you to come with us."

I freeze, wondering if I should believe them. On one hand, he may have forgotten my name, not never known it. They do seem appropriately dressed. On the other, why would they break into my flat to get me?

I move myself forward to kneel in front of them on the bed, holding out my hand palm facing upwards. "Badges?"

"Right, uh," he pats his coat pockets, then holds one of the flaps open and reaches inside it. He places a leather wallet in my hand and I open it, glancing inside at the badge.

My eyes scan it quickly and I look up at them, my face still pointed at the wallet. My face tilts to follow my eyes. I smile, and he thinks he's fooled me, he's then taken quite by surprise as I slap the wallet over his face with all my force. "That's a fake badge, you little twat," haha take that you little fucker.

He holds his hand against his cheekbone and I press myself back into the corner, wow why did I do that there's nowhere to run well done me oh my god.

"Son of a bitch," he says, looking up at me. "Okay you're coming with us."

He makes a move forward to grab me around the waist as Strong-Timid Boy watches on with a look of horror on his face. I slap him again and lunge off the bed along the wall, sidestepping Dean and running out of the door.

I make my way down the hall to the door, grabbing my phone off the dresser and shoving it in my bra, not having any other place. A singlet and mini shorts are not good for when you're being attacked by a couple of creepers.

Just as I fumble with the door handle, I feel two frim arms around my waist lifting me off the ground. I start screaming as Strong-Timid Boy steps ahead of us and opens the door. As Dean carries me out, hitting his arms frantically, I glare at Strong-Timid Boy, letting him know his sorrowful looks don't make him the better person.

As Dean walks me to his Impala Chevy parked in the street, I continue to swear at him, punching his arms and digging my nails into them. Tears start to rush down my face and I start screaming. All he does is clamp a hand over my mouth. I press my face into his fingers as Strong-Timid Boy opens the back door and I bite down on Dean's fingers.

"Ah!" he says, removing his hand and wringing it. "You little bitch."

I kick and hit him harder as he lays me down on the backseat. I try to kick him in the groin but he's hovering above me and all I can reach are his thighs. I push his arms away as he pulls the seatbelt down over me and I manage to punch him right in the jaw, making his head hit the roof of the car.

He squints in pain and we freeze momentarily, my chest rising and falling rapidly. He lets go of the seatbelt and stands up outside the car. I make one more attempt at kicking his pelvic area but he scoots backwards, slamming the door on the sole of my foot and sending waves of ground shock up my leg.

I collapse in defeat as he joins Strong-Timid Boy in the front. I look at them for a moment, then sit up and try to wrap my hands around Dean's neck, but Strong-Timid Boy's hand shoots out quicker than I can register and takes hold of my wrist. I snap my head around to look at him, the little muscle in my neck pinging. I set my jaw and stare him down, but he just looks at me with such sadness and regret that I have to collapse back into my seat.

Dean puts a hand on the passenger seat and looks over his shoulder at me expectantly.

I fold my arms over my chest. "What?" I practically spit at him.

He nods to my lap. "Seatbelt."

My eyes tingle again as I realise I've lost. _I'm going to die. _I do up my seatbelt.

He smiles. "Good," he faces forward and turns the key in the ignition. I look out the window to my left and wipe the tear slipping down my face with the back of my hand. I wince in an effort to stop crying, not wanting them to notice, which turns out not good.

"Hey, Jane," Strong-Timid Boy rests his elbow on the centre console to talk to me. He's giving me that concerned look again. It makes me want to melt, it's so _sad._ I don't know what it is about his face, but he just looks, _sad_. "We're really sorry we had to do it like this."

Dean scoffs and Strong-Timid Boy sighs. "But we couldn't see how else to. Trust me, we don't want to hurt you. We want to help you."

"So why didn't you just knock?" I snap. I'm not going to give into his puppy look. I'm not going to go soft and I'm not going to melt. I will not fall for it.

"Jane, it's three o'clock in the morning. Would you have answered the door at three in the morning?" his voice is soft and reassuring. How can someone with that sadness and softness be such an awful person?

"What's wrong with waiting till the morning?"

"We can't," Dean puts in, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. "Like I said, you're in danger. If something's gonna happen, it's gonna happen tonight. We can't wait."

I open my mouth, but shut it again. Another tear slips down my face and before I can wipe it, Strong-Timid Boy brushes his thumb across my cheek. I give him the same harsh look and swipe his hand away like oh hell no get your dirt mitts off me.

"Don't touch me."

He sighs, the same sadness in his blue eyes. He looks down and, wait. Are they green? Okay so his green eyes. He sits back in his seat to face the road and no, they're brown. Hazel? I don't know. It isn't important. He's still a creeper and I'm still going to die.

I look around the car. Is it too dark to get my phone out? I could call Sher and, what? Tell him I'm being kidnapped? How do I do that without Dean and Puppy Boy knowing I'm calling someone? And besides, Sher's in England. No way is he going to be able to help me in time.

I guess I should just face it; I'm going to die. No way around it. Not as if these dicks are taking me from my flat at three in the morning to take me to a nice little picnic with my best friends. And I can't see their motives being actually _good_. I'm 23 years old. They don't want anything other than. Yeah. Oh god, how do I always get myself into these situations? I swear everything that could possibly go wrong for me does. It's like I'm cursed or something. Jesus what if I am?

No, that's stupid. Why do I always get thinking like that? Jesus fucking Christ I _do_ need help.

I look out of the window to my left. Wait, isn't this Cassie's motel? What are we doing here?

Dean pulls into a parking space and turns off the engine. He unclips his seatbelt and nods back to me before getting out and walking to a door with a gold 3 nailed to it.

Strong Timid Puppy Boy sighs. Obviously Dean doesn't want to fight me again. Obviously he's met his match. I sit up a little taller. Yeah. I won. He can suck my dick.

Strong Timid Puppy Boy opens his door and shuts it again, bursting my bubble. I'm still going to die. He opens the door and holds out his hand for me.

I look at it sceptically, then meet his changeable eyes. "I could make a break for it right now."

"Where will you go? We're ages out of town."

"I know this area like the back of my hand."

"You obviously haven't lived here that long," is he referring to the boxes in my hallway? Or my accent? It doesn't matter. I'm still going to die.

I unbuckle myself and climb out, pushing his hand away. I stand next to and away from him. "I can get out of a car by myself."

He smiles. "Of course, sorry."

For a moment I think he's going to let me go, but he walks over beside me and puts his arm loosely around my back, guiding me to room 3.

When we get inside Dean's waiting at the kitchen table, biting into an apple and shifting through some papers spread across the surface. He looks up and smiles, his cheeks bulging unattractively. He swallows.

"Well done Sammy," he nods to the seat next to him for me to sit down. Sammy goes to sit in the seat opposite but I duck in and sit there before he can.

Sammy sighs and sits next to Dean. He seems to sigh a lot. Lots of sad sighing and sad looks and sad puppy and it doesn't matter I'm still going to die.

I sit back in the chair. Yeah, if I do this it'll show them I ain't no one's play toy. I'm not going to lean in towards them. They can get some other bitch to do that. Oh god, did I just call myself a bitch?

Dean takes another bite and looks back down at the papers. I wonder what they say. If I sit up a little maybe I can read them. _Psyche Report_? What the hell does he need a psyche report for?

"Getting curious?" Dean smirks. Oh shit, how did I get up here. I did _not _want my hands to be on the table. Maybe I should sit down again. Yeah that's better. Oo, fold my arms, yeah. Maybe I should cross my legs. Yes boys, the chastity legs are crossed sorry not sorry.

He puts the papers back down on the table. "It's a psyche report for James Beddingfield. Name ring a bell?"

Oh shit. Don't you dare fucking cry you little bitch oh there you go. Yeah just don't like sob okay because oh too late. Wow the table looks really comforting to lean on right now.

I feel a warm hand between my shoulder blades. If I look between my arm and the table I can see Sammy's moved his seat next to mine. I should probably hit him. But oh god James.

There's a silence. Well, I'm lying there. There's a certain amount of time where I just sort of sob into the table. Super attractive "Jane." Yeah, they're totally gonna think you're off limits now. You're so strong and impenetrable, crying like that.

Okay it's safe now, sit up.

I cradle my chin with my hands, knowing I'm squishing my eyes but not caring in the least.

"Jane, who was James to you?" Sammy says oh-so-nicely. God I want to punch him.

I collapse back into the chair, sliding down and folding my arms again. "What has that got to do with anything? He's dead you idiots."

"We know," Dean says. Wait, did he even? What the hell has James being… mm. What has that got to do with anything?

"Are you insane? What has James got to do with anything?"

"Jane, we'd really appreciate it if you tell us what happened with you two," if Sammy keeps up this innocent little me act I swear to god I'll kill him.

Should I tell them? Well Sammy looks concerned the little twat. Dean just looks super smug and what does it matter? I'm going to die anyway.

I sigh. Wow sighing I should stop that I'll end up like Sammy ew. "He was my boyfriend. We were together like, seven months. Then a few weeks ago, he," I clear my throat. "He, um," oh god just get it out. Deep breaths, there you go. Look up it stops the tears. Oh for god's sake just say it. "He got shot in the head. And he died."

I meet Dean's eyes. God he's so cold Jesus loosen up man. He nods, his face still. There's a little red cut on his cheek bone and a bruise developing on his jaw. Ha. Suck on that you little cu-

"Jane, do you believe in ghosts?" Sammy says, leaning forward. He's so over considerate. God man lay off you're not my mother.

I shrug. "No, but I still get scared they're going to get me, you know? Like I know it's stupid and it's impossible, but I'm still terrified of them."

Dean laughs. Kid you not, he is _laughing at me_. I want to kill everything right now oh my god.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," is he joking right now oh shit he isn't look at his face that is not the face of someone who is joking.

"Hold on, are you trying to tell me that my boyfriend is a ghost?"

Sammy nods. "Yeah. I know it sounds crazy, but me and Dean, we-"

"No, okay just no," I shake my head. I'm so done with these two right now. "If you're going to kill me, or rape me, or whatever you want to do with me, can you just do it now and get it over with. I'm not going to sit here and let you taunt me like this."

Sammy looks shocked and Dean's laughing again. I whip my head around to him.

"Do you wanna shut the hell up before I hit you again you're really pissing me off right now."

He tries to stop but keeps laughing. "Now, why would we want to kill a pretty little thing like you?"

Don't blush don't blush don't you dare blush oh there you go. "So that just leaves rape, doesn't it?"

"We're not going to rape you," Sammy says like just saying the word's going to make him a bad person. "You're in danger and we don't want you to get hurt."

"Oh, shut _up,_ I'm not an idiot, I can work this shit out," I shunt over to the edge of my chair so I can talk to them at the same time. "I'm old enough to think for myself and I'm not sheltered enough to believe that you genuinely took me by force from the safety of my house to stop me from getting hurt."

But there's something in their eyes the way they're looking at me with this sincerity. Oh my god. "You're not lying," wow was that out loud?

They shake their heads. My shoulders slump. "Oh."

"So are you going to work with us or not?" Dean says, flicking one of the corners of the papers.

Yay hesitation. What's the worst that can happen? They could be lying? Okay so if they are then what am I going to do? Die probably. What if they aren't? Do I stay with them? No, I'd go back to the flat and die anyway. What does it matter, I'm going to die anyway?

"Yeah, what's the worst that can happen?" dying ok shut up you're as bad as they are. "So what's going on, care to explain to me?"

Sammy angles his body and rests an elbow on the edge of the table. He spreads out his fingers on both his hands and holds them together to use for hand gestures. "A few weeks ago James, your ex-"

"Not my ex. We never broke up," oh shit why did I tell them that? Now I seem like a complete weirdo, thinking I'm dating a dead guy. Oh it doesn't matter. I'm going to die anyway.

He looks at me for a second, letting my words sink in. "Yeah, anyway. A few weeks ago, he got shot in the head, right?"

I nod. Wow way to tell me what I already know.

"But he wasn't murdered."

What? "Manslaughter?"

He's shaking his head oh god what is it then? "He shot himself."

Oh hi there floor haven't seen you in a while.

Sammy starts helping me up and sits me back in my chair. I stare into space. James shot himself. But why? His life was perfect. He told me everything, and there wasn't anything going on. Oh god, what if he never told me and I thought he was telling me everything but he wasn't and there were sings I could've read but didn't and oh my god I should've known.

"Pardon?" Sammy's cocking his head what oh god I was mumbling wasn't I?

"Um, I was just thinking, I don't know why he would do that. Like, he told me everything and there wasn't anything wrong as far as I could tell. But then like, there were signs. There had to be. And I missed them and oh god it's all my fault," stop. Fucking. Crying.

Why am I leaning into Sammy's arms he's a smothering idiot but oh he's so warm ugh stop it.

"Hey, it's not your fault," he's stroking my hair oh that's nice no it isn't.

"Well, we don't know that for sure," thanks Dean love you too cunt.

"Dean," Sammy's obviously giving him a nasty look yeah serves you right Dean ugh.

Sammy puts his hands on my upper arms and sits me up oh how sweet I can do that by myself but thanks anyway. "Are you okay?"

I give him a look. Wow hope it's sarcastic otherwise that's gonna suck. "I just found out my boyfriend shot himself in the head and it might be my fault. I'm just spiffing."

Dean does this annoying little high pitched laugh like the one I do oh god am I that annoying when I do it? "You're so English."

"Yeah, funny that."

Sammy smiles a sad smile at me. I just want to slap him so hard.

"So what does this all have to do with me being in danger?"

Dean puts the papers down and leans forward on the table. "He's a ghost now. Well, more of a restless spirit, really. He's been going around killing girls that have been cheating on their boyfriends. Me and Sam here've been tracking him for a while now and that's the only pattern we could pick out. So, we needed to know what started going of like that, some unfinished business, bad experience, something like that. And it lead us straight to you," he points his finger and twists it through the air to point it at me.

My mouth's opening and closing in shock. "Are you trying to imply that I _cheated _on James?"

He shrugged. Sammy talked so I turned to him. "That _would _explain why he was targeting girls that were cheating on their boyfriends. He started a little further out of town and he's been working his way slowly closer to your house."

"Oh my god," the crazy thing is that this makes sense. If I ever get out of this I swear I'm going to a psychologist. "Is that why Taylor and Grace and everyone died? Is James the killer?"

They both nod and wow my head's spinning. My ghost – "restless spirit" – ex boyfriend is going around killing people? How the hell does that even begin to happen?

"Oh kay?" I say super-duper slowly because my head is really starting to hurt now. "But, how could James turn into that?" Taylor and Grace had been found completely torn up, particularly around their chests and faces and ya know, their private square. How did James go from the sweet loving boyfriend I knew, to a monster like that?

Sammy shrugged. "We don't know. They only explanation would be if you were cheating on him. You know, the torn up face and, " he clears his throat and sits a little more rigidly. "Yeah. That would be to stop them from using those things to cheat on their boyfriends. And the heart, well-"

"Because he was hurt?" Sammy nods at me and I don't think I can breathe properly. "But, I never did cheat on him. I would never, I loved him," Jesus how could he even think that?

"Well, maybe he thought you were," Dean put in helpfully. "Sometimes spirits like him are just created by a misunderstanding. But we have to figure out how to stop him from killing more girls."

I nod. Oh shit, he'll be coming after me. "So, is he like, going to come for me, next?"

They nod. Dean still emotionless, Sammy regretfully. "So, I need to be bait."

"Hold on," Sammy interjects. "You're not putting yourself in danger like that. I'm not letting you."

"Sammy, you've known me for like half an hour. You can't tell me what I can and can't do. You need to find him and he's coming for me so it only makes sense that you use me as bait!" I'm getting angry now. He's not my fucking father.

"She's right," Dean says, standing up and oh hey so am I look at that. "I'm thinking we just put her in one of the beds. Then one of us stays here while the other goes off to salt and burn the bones."

Sammy bites his lip. "I don't know Dean, what if he hurts her?"

"He won't," Dean says, putting an arm around my shoulders but hell no back up so I hit him away.

"Don't touch me."

He holds his hands up in surrender.

We both look at Sammy. He looks at us then sighs next time he does that I'm going to punch him in the stomach I swear to god. "Fine. Dean, you go after the body, I'll stay here."

Dean goes to protest but nods and looks down at me wow he's tall. "Where's James buried?"

"Uh, in the cemetery just up the road from here. That way," I point up the way we came and he nods, going off into one of the rooms and coming back out with a bag.

"Okay, I'm off. Good luck," he says and Sammy nods as he disappears out the door.

We listen to the Impala start up and drive off. Sammy rocks back and forth awkwardly, his hands in his pockets. He's even taller than Dean holy shit. He opens his mouth and holds one of his hands out to me.

"Oh, uh, it's Sam, by the way. Not Sammy."

"Fuck off I'm going to die soon I can call you whatever I want," I should really stop saying these things out loud wow.

He looks taken aback haha bet you weren't expecting that mother fucker. "Uhm, well, you're not, if we can help it."

I shrug. "I'll still call you whatever I want."

He shakes his head and smiles and the ground.

I bite my lip then say it anyway. It doesn't matter, I'm going to die soon anyway. "It's Tav, by the way. Not Jane."

"What?" he looks back up at me.

"Uhm, before, in my flat. I said my name was Jane? It's not. It's Tav."

He laughs. "Where'd you get Jane from?"

"She's my Ma."

He presses his eyebrows together. Before he can question the whole _Ma instead of Mum _thing I talk over him.

"So which room should I use?"


	2. Chapter 2

_Why did I agree to this? I am literally lying awake in the yucky heat that I hate waiting for my dead boyfriend to come and kill me. Jesus I'm so stupid how do I get myself into these situations?_

_If I turn over a little maybe I'll – ow, what the hell is this? My phone! Oh oops forgot about that. 5a.m are you kidding me? Hmm, that means it's 5p.m back home. Will Sher pick up? No harm in trying I guess. Maybe James won't even come. Better whisper in case Sammy gets pissed._

_Pick up the phone Sher, Jesus Christ how hard is that to do?_

"Hello, you've reached _blah blah blah oh for god's sake hurry up," okay there's the tone._

"Hey Sher, it's me. Um, so I've been sort of kidnapped. And uh, I don't know if I'm safe or not I might be but I'm going to relay everything to you through this phone call and what the hell is that?"

There's a low light filling the room coming from behind me. _Should I look? Oh god I'm going to aren't I?_

_Slowly because this is terrifying wow my hands are shaking to hard right now wait before you do this put your phone in your bra idiot, Jesus. Ok you're good to go._

"James?" he's in that stupid thrift shop brown indie suit me and his sister picked out for his birthday last year. _Why would he be wearing that thing? And why is he glowing? And why am I crying even though he's just a ghost?_

"Hi Tav," his voice is normal on the way it sounds but he's so cold.

"Oh my god," I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and stand up but _what I was supposed to hug him why is he grabbing me._ "What are you doing?"

_He's tying me to a chair? Oh for god's sake even my boyfriend wants to kill me._

"You hurt me Tav," he whispers through gritted teeth as he tightens the first bond around my wrist.

_Wait a second, why aren't I fighting back? I still have a free hand, what if I hit him HOLY SHIT IT WENT RIGHT THROUGH HIM?_

_Okay he's laughing now what's happened to him?_ "You can't touch me," _is that a knife?_ "But I can still touch you."

He presses the sharp edge of the knife into my forearm and drags it down towards my fingertips, leaving a huge gash down the length of it. I squirm under the pain _my god I have never felt anything that bad in my whole life. Well, maybe not worse than losing him._

I'm starting to sweat on my forehead and he does the same to my thigh, right from the hem of my shorts to the top of my knee cap, smiling the whole time. I can feel my skin ripping beneath the blade _oh god it hurts._ I tip my head back and breathe heavily, trying to compose myself but having a hard time of it.

"Why," I said between breaths. "Why are you, ugh! Why are you doing, ah, doing this to me?"

His smile disappears and he holds the knife to where my jaw meets my neck. I whimper away from him but he still uses just the tip of the knife to cut right along the bone. "You hurt me Tav. You hurt me so bad," _wow hello bad 80s horror movie Jesus fucking Christ how often do you see modern proper _good_ horror stuff saying this shit._

He moves the knife to brush a damp lock of hair back from my face and I tip my head back again, straining to get away from him. The knife taps against my cheekbone a couple of times before dragging down to the corner of my mouth.

"How?" that's all I can manage because if I move too much he'll just hurt me more.

"You know how!" he yells, spitting in my face. "I heard you on the phone to _John_," he says the name with the most resentment I've ever seen on anyone ever. "Saying you love him."

This time he takes the knife and starts the cut at the top of my collar bone and ends it right between my boobs. He hesitates, licking his lips then the cut. _I have no idea why he would want to do that I mean for god's sake that's revolting. And all it did anyway was spread the blood across my chest. I'm panting now oh god he's pulling up my shirt and putting it on my belly button. If he goes anywhere past my nickers I swear to god I don't know what I'll do. _

_He did. _

"You sick minded freak," I say, my teeth gritted. I didn't realise I was crying. But I'm sobbing. My back's heaving and arching in pain and my heart hurts so much more than my skin.

He looks angry. Really angry. _Oh god what's he, why is he raising it up like that? _

I scream as loud as I can as the knife goes all the way through the edge of my left thigh and into the chair.

"Stop it!" I yell at him, tears streaming down my face. "Don't you see what you're doing? James, do you love me?"

I can't stop yelling and the pain is so immense and he just looks at me and nods.

"Are you angry? Do you want me to love you? Do you want me back?"

He nods. The pain surges through my body again and Sammy's banging on the door but it must be locked and my hair is wet with sweat and I flip it out of my face and grit my teeth and look at James trying to soften my face but I hurt too much and I arch my back and tip my head back and breathe heavily then look at James again and Sammy's still banging on the door.

"So then stop this. You're _stopping_ me from loving you if anything. I love you James, so don't stop me," my back arches and the movement makes my legs move and the knife cuts into me more deeply.

"You don't love me!" his watery blue eyes are welling up and it's heart breaking to see him like this. "You love John! I heard you say it," his voice cracks at the end.

_Ok time to think. Who do I know called John? Okay four. Who do I say "I love you," to? Three. Who did I call a few weeks ago? One. So then John… oh my god._

"James do you even know who John _is_?" _I'm still yelling oh god it hurts. Is that another knife? Sammy's still banging and if he doesn't get in here quickly I'm going to die._

"No, but he isn't me," his voice is quiet and his blond hair flops over his forehead as he hovers over me, taking my wrist and cutting two centimetres deep into it. I have no energy left to scream and all I can do is breathe heavily as I feel a vein pop and start gushing out onto the ropes, onto the arm rest, dripping down onto the floor.

"He's my brother's partner! I've known him since I was 19 of course I love him!"

James looks at me right in the eyes and there's this intense hate in them. It scares me right through and _I think I'm going to pass out._ He brings the knife down and in one swift movement he's literally hacked a chunk of flesh off my arm. My back arches and my leg presses into the other knife and the blood keeps on dripping and Sammy keeps on banging and I can't take it anymore. My whole body goes slack and my breathing is light and I'm not getting nearly enough oxygen _I think I'm hyperventilating. _

"I love him like a brother," I manage and Sammy gets the door open and James' face drops because he just realised and _why is everything black?_


	3. Chapter 3

_I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to know what I'm going to see. I squint to stop them from opening on their own. Am I dead? If I am I wouldn't be surprised. I can't feel any pain so that's a good oh my god there it is._

My whole body stings. My cheek, my jaw bone, my chest, my stomach, my thighs, my arms, _my oh god he didn't._

"Tav? Are you okay?" Sammy's here.

"Tav? I thought she was called Jane?" Dean's here too.

_Time to open my eyes._

It takes me a second to adjust to the light, but there they are, smiling down at me. I'm still in the room at Cassie's motel. The curtains are open and it's a nice day outside. _I'm glad people get to enjoy it, that other people can feel good. I'm glad it was me and not another innocent girl. I'm glad nobody has to be upset. I'm glad my family doesn't have to worry._

_My family._

I clasp my hand to my right boob and Sammy and Dean give me the weirdest looks I've ever seen. My cheeks flush, which doesn't help the cut. "My phone."

They nod, still confused, as I pull it out and unlock the screen. _Good old iPhones, it's still calling Sher. Maybe I should tell him it's alright._

"Hey Sher, it's me. Uhm, I'm going to call you in a while. Sorry this was so long, I'll explain everything once I understand it myself. I love you."

I hang up and try to prop myself up on my elbows but I have zero energy right now.

"Hey, hey," Sammy cradles me with his hand and lays me back down again. "Just try to take it slow for a while."

"Yeah, you got some real bad injuries last night," Dean says and, _my god, he's actually worried about me for once._

"Did I lose a lot of blood?" they nod. "Cool."

They start laughing and so do I.

"But, how did you stay conscious for so long?" Sammy says, his eyebrows knitted _aw that's adorable ew no it's not he's a creeper remember?_

_Okay time for the super embarrassing confession. Okay deep breath, composure._ "Well, what James didn't know, I guess, is that when he died, I went into depression. I do that to myself anyway."

_Wow silence. Say something please before I start crying, Jesus fucking Christ._

"Oh," _wow Dean real empathetic of you thanks._

"Yeah."

"So, that whole time," Sammy's obviously trying to piece everything together. "You were acting? You weren't really in any pain?"

"He stabbed my in the thigh so that the knife stuck into the chair, of course I was in pain you idiot," they laugh wearily, like they don't know if it's okay to or not. "It's just like, I don't know. I guess I'm used to it. That kind of thing helps me get through, or something."

"You mean, you enjoy that stuff?" _Dean's so shocked oh my god bless._

"No, well, maybe? I don't know. I don't exactly _enjoy_ it, as such. It just helps."

They nod. Dean stands up and walks out, not even making an excuse. _That makes me feel a heap better._

Sammy clears his throat. "So, who was that on the phone?"

"My brother, Sherlock. He lives back in England. Jesus Christ, if it weren't for him none of this would've happened."

"Wh-," he purses his lips and moves about on the bed slightly, careful not to jolt me too badly. "What do you mean?"

"Well, he was acting up a bit. He tends to do that a lot. Like, _a lot, _a lot. So his partner, John, he called me two days before James died, and asked me for some advice, because you know, he's my _brother_. So I was like, telling him why Sherlock was doing this and what John should do if Sherlock did that and blah blah blah. Then because I've known him since I was 19, and he's my brother's partner, so _he's _like my brother, by default sort of, I said I loved him then I hung up. And that was it and James must've heard and oh god if I hadn't of said I loved him none of this would've happened this is all my fault."

I start crying again and _for god's sake this is ridiculous. _

"Hey," Sammy leans over and strokes my hair down my shoulder _wow that's comforting but he's a creeper but wow I'm so overwhelmed by everything and I just need a hug._

_Sammy seems a little surprised by my arms around his neck but he can just deal with it. I've just been nearly killed by my already dead boyfriend and it was all my fault that he died and that all those other girls died and god, they were my friends. I knew those girls. Now they're dead because of me, because I told John that I love him. I squeeze Sammy harder and he holds me firmly. _

_You know, now all of this is just about over and I know that Sammy and Dean are just about good people, maybe Sammy isn't all that bad. Dean's a bit of a cunt, but he's not all bad. _

_But Sammy. Hmm. _

_He's got a nice name. And his voice is so soft and timid, but like strong at the same time. And he's got such a puppy face. Strong Timid Puppy Boy Sammy. Mm. He smells really nice, like really fancy cologne. He's so strong and reassuring. He was so nice to me, right from the start. He tried to tell Dean to not kidnap me and was comforting me the whole time, trying to win me over. Why was I so cold to him? He's so tall. Like a giant, the perfect height to wrap his arms around my shoulders and mine around his waist, or lean against when we're watching a movie on the couch, or to hold onto his arm or walk with our arms loosely hooked around each other. He's got such a sweet face, with his changeable eyes that are so, so sad. And his strong jawline and his soft hair that's just the right length and tickles my cheek when I breathe. His nose is like, I don't know what his nose is. It's just nice. He's just nice. Sammy._

I take in a shaky breath and _oh he's taken it as a sign to break apart okay that's nice I didn't want to hug him anyway. _

_He's giving me this reassuring little smile like 'it's okay, I'm here. You're safe now. I know it's been really rough, but you're going to be okay now. I've got you.'_

I look down and see I've got a whole heap of bandages and shit all over my body where James cut me. My shoulder and thigh have been completely bound in medical fabric. Some of the bandages have some blood seeping through them but nothing too bad. It all seems a little, professional.

"Did you take me to the hospital?"

He nods. "We didn't know what to do. Some of them were really deep, like the one on your shoulder and thigh. It was way beyond us."

I nod_. Hold up, wait a second._ "What happened to James?"

Sammy presses his lips together so they're just a thin line. _Mm, add his lips to the list of Reasons Why Sammy Is The Best._ "Well, I had to shoot him a few times with the rock salt, then I thought he was going to kill me but Dean salted and burned the bones just in time."

_Wow. Sammy thought he was going to die? He risked his life for me? That's so heroic and attractive and god if I wasn't so shaken up I'd kiss him. But I'm still getting over James and everything about last night. God I don't know how I'm going to move on from this. _

"My boob's vibrating," _why would you say that oh my god you idiot._

_Look now he's giving you a weird look see that you caused that face I bet he has never looked that confused in all his life and it's because of you._

"My brother's calling," _Jesus fucking Christ just answer the phone before you say anything else._ "Hello?"

"Octavia? Is that you?" Sherlock's voice is all rough and shaky and he's got a super deep voice anyway but now I can tell he was crying because it's on the ocean floor.

"Yeah, it's me, are you okay?" I sit up a little more and _ew stupid hair, all falling in my face and shit, get the fuck out._

"You're asking me if I'm okay? What about you?" he's panicking really bad.

"Sher, Sher. Calm down. I'm fine, just a little cut up. But let's be honest, I'm like that anyway," _not going to laugh then? Okay thanks, rude. _

"This isn't funny. I'm coming over there right now, John and I have packed the bags already," _what's that noise oh he's passing the phone over okay. _

"Tav, darling are you okay?" _aw John's such a cutie._

"I'm fine, don't worry. There's people here looking after me."

"What happened last night? You said you got kidnapped?"

"Well, yeah. But it was to protect me. Trust me, if they hadn't taken me I'd have been in a lot of trouble."

"You got into trouble anyway!" _okay sure but no need to yell, Jesus._

"Yes but I'm alive, aren't I?" _yeah two can play at this game, Johnny boy._

"That's not the point, Tav, sweetheart, we're coming over right now."

"No!" _oops, a little too abrupt?_ "No, John, just, ugh. Don't worry about it. I'm all bandaged up and the person that hurt me is gone and everything's okay now. If I have any more trouble I'll call you and then you can come out, but not now. I'm fine and I don't want you wasting your money on me, okay?"

"Tav-"

"Nope. You're not coming over, do you understand me?"

_He's sighing at me the cheeky bastard._ "Okay. But do call us, won't you?"

"You know I will."

"Okay, stay safe."

"You too, love you," _ouch that hurt my heart._

"Love you too, oh, Sherlock wants another word."

"Octavia are you sure we don't need to come over?"

"Sher, I'm sure. You know me, if I think I'm in danger of even _bad music_ I'll call you."

"Okay. Goodbye then."

"I love you."

"Yes."

_Flat line dial tone thing. Oops Sammy's still here. _

"Sorry about that. My brother's very… interesting."

He laughs. "That's okay. But," he points at the phone. "Why didn't he say he loved you too?" he looks at me then makes a guilty face. "Sorry, that was a little personal."

"No, don't worry about it. Um, he doesn't really express his emotions very well. So he did say he loved me too, he just has a funny way of doing it, so he just says 'yes.' Nothing more, just 'yes.'"

Sammy nods then stands up, using his knees as support. "Breakfast?"

"Oh, no thanks. I don't eat breakfast."

"Tav, you have you eat _something_. You've had a really rough night and blah blah blah," wow it's attractive when he worries about me.

"Sammy, don't. I just need to go home."

He stops talking and gives me his sad little smile of understanding _oh god that's attractive._ "Okay, I'll tell Dean."


	4. Chapter 4

So the trip home is more than a little bit awkward. Whenever Sammy tries to make conversation, Dean just puts him out by clearing his throat really loudly or winding down the window or putting his music on full blast. _Are you kidding me? Metallica? Really, Dean, Metallica?_

So I guess all I can really do is just sort of go with it and just sit here and accept it. _Hmm. Maybe they've given me the chance to think things over. Like, okay, so do I really want to go ahead with this plan? I think so. I mean, all of the little pieces fit together perfectly, and all I need is their cooperation. I've always been told all my life that I can be very persuasive when I put my mind to it. _

When we get to my flat again, I scoot across the back seat and look at them as they both turn in their seats to look at me.

Sammy looks me up and down with his beautiful little puppy look. "Are you gonna be okay?"

I nod, biting my lip in a way I hope makes it look like I should be in an English chick-flick. "Mm."

"Well," Dean adjusts himself in his seat, pulling a piece of folded up paper out of his pocket and handing it to me between his first two fingers. "If you run into any trouble, just ring us."

"Thanks," _okay well I wasn't expecting that at all in the least bit nope. Well I guess it's time to get out of the car then right? Yep, reaching for the door handle. It's their last chance to say something. Oh fuck it. _"Do you wanna come in for some breakfast?"

"Uh," Sammy's a little taken aback _wow that's adorable._ "Yeah, sure if you don't mind, uh…" he looks to Dean for a reply_. Hmm. That's weird it's like he's looking to him more for like, permission._

"Why not," _he smiles this little teethy smile that's so sweet and kind but wait he's a dick, right?_

"Okay, come in," _yes, phase two commence._

Once inside I put the kettle on and ask what they want. Once I have their replies I grab the bread out and put a couple of slices in the toaster, grab two plates, two knifes, butter and some peanut butter and jam and shit.

"Okay, well, you guys just sit up here," I gesture to the bench and they hop onto the stools. "I'll be back in a second."

I walk out of the kitchen and straight into my bedroom. My duvet's strewn across the floor, half hanging off the bed. My pillow's at the foot of the bed and _I really can't be bothered tidying it all up._ I walk over and open the wardrobe and grab my big suitcase from the bottom and open that and skid it into the middle of the room. Then I chuck a couple of pairs of shoes over my shoulder and stand up and start filing through my coat hangers.

_Oh that shirt's really nice I'll take that over the shoulder it goes. Hmm now this one I don't know it makes my hips look weird so nope won't take that. Oh yes I'm taking this dress it's so nice and the colour and just wow probably won't need it but wow it makes my boobs look so hot. _

After a few minutes of this I take my backpack off the hook at the back of the wardrobe and start walking around the room and shoving things in it like my phone, camera, iPod, then unplug my laptop _because god knows I'll need that._ Going into the ensuite bathroom I add my toothbrush and make up and stuff like that, then zip it up and chuck it on my bed. I can hear Sammy and Dean talking in really low voices but I can still hear them and Dean wants to get going but Sammy wants to say goodbye, _oh how sweet. _

I open the drawers of my chest and start throwing nickers and bras and shirts and jeans into the suitcase as well. Then I take my singlet and shorts off and put on new nickers and some little flowery loose fabric shorts and tuck a white blouse into them. I put on my navy vans then zip up the suitcase and shoulder my backpack, making sure to two-strap it. I hear a stool dragging across the floor and someone's feet tapping on the floor as they stand up.

I walk briskly into the kitchen and see Dean putting his plate on the side and Sammy with a displeased look on his face. Dean looks me up and down as I pull the hair tie off my wrist and use it to straggle my hair back into a loose bun.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"With you guys," I finish my hair and walk over to the cupboard to fill up a glass of water. Dean's eyes get wider and wider as he watches me down my drink.

"No you're not," he scoffs.

I put the glass down. "Yes I bloody well am."

"And what makes you think that_?" if he talks to me like a little kid again I swear to god I will punch him in the face._

"Guys, I-"

"What am I supposed to do after last night?" _I'm probably getting a little bit too angry but oh-fucking-well._ "Forget about this? I just found out that my boyfriend shot himself because of me, and that he went out and killed people. People that were my _friends_, people that I _cared_ about. How am I supposed to recover from that? I'm not going to be able to, things are going to get worse for me. I'm going to find it more and more difficult to cope with all of this," _okay pause because if you don't swallow now you're going to spit on accident and that ain't cute. Calm your voice it's simple and effective yeah._ "I need a distraction, I really do. If I don't get one, I," _sigh oh my god that's perfect._ "I don't know how bad things'll get."

"And what happens if you get into trouble and die?" he's obviously had that happen before. I can see it in the way his voice just got shaky and his eyes are glistening more and he's blinking a lot.

"I don't care. If I die, it won't matter to me because it would have happened in a worse way if I'd stayed. Do you want me to die at my own hands, or fighting for someone else's life?"

He opens his mouth but shuts it again then breathes out angrily. _Ha shame I won again._ He turns to Sammy and holds his arms up.

Sammy shifts in his seat and sits up a little straighter and pouts his lips slightly. _God he's attractive._ "I don't see why we can't. I mean, she seemed to cope pretty well last night and that was pretty serious."

Dean sighs again, then bites his lips in thought. He turns to me, his mind clearly made up. "Fine. We'll take you on _one job,_ one job only. If you manage, then I'll consider, keeping you around."

_I really hope I'm not smiling too hard because when I do that I look quite mad._ "Thank you so much!" I give him a brief hug around his neck because it's Dean not Sammy then take their plates and load them in the dishwasher.

Sammy's smiling the whole time like he's quietly very happy that I'm coming and Dean keeps shaking his head but he's not too fussed so it's not bothering me too badly. I grab my keys of the bench and take the spare one from under the mat at the front door. I rip off a bit of pad paper and scribble a note to Gloria next door that I'm going on a road trip with some friends and can she please keep an eye on the house and feed Hugo my cat just one scoop per day thanks a lot here's my number.

I leave the key and the note in her mailbox and give Hugo a quick kiss before picking up my suitcase and following Sammy and Dean out to the impala. I go to shove it in the boot and, _wait a second. Is there a second compartment here? What if I lift it up?_

Dean shoves it back down again before I can see what's in the Secret Compartment and I laugh and put my suitcase in, pulling the boot down and closing it. We all walk around and Sammy gets back into the passenger seat and Dean gets in the driver's side and I sit in the middle at the back. I don't think I'll ever get used to the fact that the driver sits on the left in America.

"So," I sling my bag off my back and buckle myself in as Dean pulls out. "Where are we off to?"

They look at each other and Dean turns back to the road, looking at me through the rear view mirror. "The Roadhouse."

I wait for an explanation _oh wow thanks Dean I know exactly where we're going now._ "Where's that?"

"It's a place where hunters like us go to get information from other hunters or get a drink or meet up with people," _see Dean Sammy's cool why can't you be more like Sammy?_

"There are more of you?" I honestly don't know what I expected.

Dean laughs like I'm some naïve little girl which I guess I am really. "Of course there are. You didn't think we went around getting _all_ of the things out there, did you?"

"I don't know what I thought," _did not expect my voice to come out that embarrassed._

He shakes his head and keeps watching the road. "Don't worry about it. You'll see what we're like when we get there."

_Oh, how mysterious and exciting._ Dean puts on some music and _ugh more Metallica._ I look around at where he'd keep his CDs and lean forward to open the centre console. He looks at me a few times.

"What are you doing?"

"Checking if you have any decent music," _what tapes what?_ I hold one up and look at him as judgementally as I can. "Really? You have tapes?"

He curls his hand back under his arm and takes the tape off me, reaching back further and shutting the centre console. "And what do you listen to?"

I roll my eyes and sit back and fold my arms then shrug. "Lots of stuff. Mainly old soul or the Beatles or mainstream shit or rap."

Sammy laughs. "That's an interesting mix."

I laugh too, grabbing my bag off the seat next to me and pulling out my iPod. "Yeah, I guess that's just me all over. I don't really have a certain genre that I like or don't like. Well, except for like, heavy metal and songs where they're just screaming into the microphone."

They laugh and I put in my head phones and stare out the window while listening to Otis Redding because _Otis Redding is a god._ "How long's it gonna be?"

"Uh," Dean thinks about it and looks at the time on the dashboard. "An hour or so? That's another thing about hunting these things, there's a lot of travelling."

I laugh because he doesn't know me. "Well then it's a good thing I love driving."

Dean looks shocked and Sammy laughs and I just smile and look out of the window.

I'm still watching the landscape out of my window when Dean pulls into an old gravel car park next to an old café sort of place. He smiles proudly at it. "Here we are."

He pauses then he and Sammy get out of the impala and start walking over to the door so I get out and follow after them.

I push through the door and expect everyone to go silent like they do in the movies. But really a few of them just give my confused looks and carry on talking to whoever they're talking to. They all look kinda burly and like they'd punch you in the face if you said a wrong word. Like, really intimidating.

After looking around for a second I see Sammy and Dean up at the bar talking to an older woman who's super pretty but with this really worn out face. My guess is that she lost someone too.

I join Sammy at his side and rest my arms on the bench which is a little too tall for me. The lady's bent under the bench and asks; "Two beers?" then straightens up.

"Yeah, and one," Sammy looks down at me and I look to the lady who's looking at me weirdly.

"Just a water, thanks," I smile at her but she's still looking at me weird.

"Sure," she turns away to a fridge behind her and pulls out two beers. Then she gets a cup from a cupboard and fills it with water and some ice and slides it across to me.

"Thank you," I sip from it because it's a little awkward at the moment.

She watches me for a moment and Sammy and Dean exchange looks. "So who are you?"

I stop drinking. "My name's Tav."

"And I'm Helen but that doesn't tell you who I am."

I'm taken aback a little, because I guess I found it a bit rude but thankfully Sammy steps in.

"You know the thing with the James Beddingfield spirit?" Helen nods then looks at me, cogs turning in her head. "Well we got to the bottom of everything, and Tav was his girlfriend."

Helen nods, then starts drying a cup with a tea towel. "So what are you doing with Sam and Dean now?"

"Uh," I look for the right words. "Well, I've managed to persuade them to let me come. I got a taste of the hunting life and now I guess I want to continue it," _yeah that's about right. Just smile and hopefully she'll understand._

"Okay," she dismisses any doubt she has and puts the cup in the cupboard. "Well boys, can you check this job out for me?"

"Sure, what is it?" Dean asks, his face lighting up with interest.

Helen bends down slightly and takes out a cardboard file from under the bar_. I wonder what's under there._ The room's full of noises like people slinking their glasses against their teeth and talking to each other in hushed voices and it's all very atmospheric.

She slides the file to Dean and he opens it. Sammy cocks his head as Dean flicks through the papers and I can't see so I stand up on my toes but it doesn't make a difference.

"Couples have been dying in this hotel in a town not far from here. It's been happening a lot since the 1930s, but not often enough for the police to see a pattern."

"So they get cut up on their first night? Both of them?" Dean says, looking up at her and skidding the file down to me.

As they talk I keep looking through the file. _There are photos of people completely torn to shreds, some of them still holding hands. _

"Yeah. Ash started on it, but he got distracted."

_Every couple is just a boy and a girl, just starting to make plans together and start living their lives._

"Why don't you check it out?"

_Wait, I've seen that building before. Have I been there?_

"I've got this place to run."

"I think I've got it," I say and they all look at me. I look up and see their eyes locked on me, Helen and Dean surprised, Sammy slightly pleased_. Don't blush for god's sake. _I look down again.

"How in hell would you be able to get it that quickly?" Helen puts a hand on her hip and leans against the bar with her other hand.

"Uhm, well this is the outside of the building, right?" I point to the photo and she nods. "Well, my friend, she's really into architecture and stuff, and this building's really old so she took me to look at it once. She told me how there was this story about it, and some guy hung himself in his room in the early 1930s."

"How do you know that's what we're dealing with?" Dean says, super supportive.

"Let me finish," I turn to the pages with the photos of the couples. "All of these couples are just one boy, one girl. There aren't any gays, or lesbians, or bis or whatever. Plus all of them were moving in together for the first time, like, starting to plan the rest of their lives together, staying at this hotel while they figured things out. And this guy that hung himself, he was gay. So my guess is that he's getting revenge on these people, sort of, because he could never do that with whoever he wanted to be with, because the law wouldn't let him get married."

They're all looking at me and my cheeks are blushing and _I don't know why I always feel like this because I'm usually right but it still gets me when people stare at me like that._ "I don't know, it was just a thought."

Sammy's the first to break the silence, thank god. "No, no that's really good. I mean, we would've gotten that eventually, but it would've taken us ages of, digging around and research. And you did it in less than a minute," he turns pointedly to Dean, as if trying to prove a point. _He so wants me to stay with them._

I shrug, blushing even more. "Sherlock's a detective. I guess I learnt a lot from him."

Dean snaps out of this kind of daze and clears his throat. He smiles at Helen, finishing his beer and putting it on the bar. "I guess we'll take it then."

He reaches over for the file again and Helen looks at him, also in a daze. "Well hold on, if you wanna get this thing to come out, won't you need a couple?"

Dean smiles even wider, then turns and claps Sammy on the back. "You and Tav can do that, can't you?"

Sammy makes little noises of protest but Dean just turns to me and raises his eyebrows.

"Uh, I don't really mind what we do so long as it works," _I have never blushed so much in all my life._

He looks back to Sammy, giving him that same smile that I used to give Sher when I was purposefully pissing him off and knew he couldn't do anything about it.

Sammy sighs. "Fine, come on."

He puts his beer on the counter and thanks Helen then walks out of the roadhouse. Dean laughs and Helen shakes her head and Dean starts off after Sammy.

I turn awkwardly to Helen, my brain still trying to catch up. "Thank you," I manage, then trot off towards the door.

"You're welcome," she calls out as I get outside.

I see Sammy and Dean in the car and Sammy seems annoyed but Dean's loving this whole thing. Sammy shoves Dean's shoulder and Dean just waves me over as he catches sight of me.

I get in the car and Dean starts it up. On the way to the roadhouse I managed to fish through the tapes and find Otis Redding's Greatest Hits, so that starts playing and _Try a Little Tenderness_ is on and Dean seems to be warming up to me and I feel happy.

We get started on the road and just as the song reaches its climax Dean turns it off. I still feel happy but less happy.

"So, how are we gonna do this?" Dean says, still smiling like an idiot. I lean forward and rest my chin on the shoulder of his seat and shrug.

"I don't know, Sammy?" I turn my head to him, still with my chin on Dean's seat.

He looks from one of us to the other and sighs. "I guess we'll just pretend we're a couple and go with that."

Dean laughs and I smile at how stubborn Sammy's become all of a sudden.

"Remember, you'll have to stay in character the whole time," Dean elbows Sammy and Sammy shoots him a look.

"You guys are really bad at being discreet," I say, reaching out and turning the music back on before they can say anything else.

Sammy props his arm up on the window sill and Dean laughs again. I can't help laughing either and I feel happier again. It's honestly the happiest I've felt in a long time_. I just hope I don't fuck it up for myself, like I always do._

During the three hour trip, Dean and I start talking about stuff. Sammy's in a bad mood, which is weird, but I end up telling Dean a lot of stuff. Like how Sherlock's a big-time detective in England, and how he made up the job of being a "Consulting Detective," and how that means when the police get in over their heads, (which is more than you'd guess), they go to him. And I tell him about how John was an army doctor and I was really happy for them and how if Sherlock was to live with anyone I'm happy it's John. Then I tell him how they aren't _actually _partners, and how they just live together and solve crimes and shit. I tell him about how I just know they're in love but too shy to admit it even though they both know it.

"How do you know they're in love?"

"It's a long story, I guess," _because it is, but it isn't._

"We've got time."

I chuckle slightly. "Right, well, me and my brothers, we've all got like a huge talent."

"Wait, there's another one?"

"Yeah, Mycroft. But I call him Croffie because he hates it."

Dean laughs and I can see Sammy smirking. "I like that."

"So do me and Sher."

We laugh for a while longer then Dean prompts me to carry on.

"So yeah, Croffie's good with politics, so he's got this huge part in the British Government and he does that and he's in charge of a whole bunch of people and he really likes classic music and is an expert on all these old composers and stuff. Then Sher's amazingly intelligent, so he's a detective. Honestly, he's the best detective you've ever seen. Like a few days ago, he got this call saying a brother and sister had been missing from an old boarding school at the start of the holidays, and Sher figured out where they were in a day. Guess what the only thing he had to go off was."

Dean shakes his head, still watching the road.

"A foot print. That's all he had, just a foot print and he figured it out."

"Wow, that's amazing," Dean's not even being sarcastic, he's honestly impressed.

"Right? So yeah, Sher's crazy smart and plays the violin really well too, so that's his talent I guess."

"And yours is that you can tell when two people are in love?"

"Not exactly. I can read people. Like I can look at a person and talk to them and read their body language and their expressions and tones and I can tell if they're lying, or embarrassed, or trying to distract you from something."

"Or if two people are in love?"

"Yep, that's me."

He nods. "That could come in handy."

"It does, a lot. It means I can tell if someone's worth my time or not so I guess I never really get offended because I distance myself from the people I think are going to do that."

"So I take it me and Sam are worth your time?"

I laugh. "Well, after I got past the whole, 'Oh my god I'm going to die,' thing, yeah. You seem nice enough and you haven't lied to me so far, so that's a good start."

"Oh, how kind of you."

I laugh again. "What about you? What's your crazy talent?"

"I have this thing, where I can get any chick I want," he jokes.

_I haven't laughed this much in ages, so they _must_ be good people._ "Oh really?" he nods. "So you could pull me right now?"

"Yeah, if I wanted to."

"Go ahead then. Woo me."

He laughs really hard and even Sammy's laughing now.

"Oh geez, I dunno Tav. You're a little young for me."

"So in other words, you're lying and I should never trust you ever again?"

We're all laughing now and Sammy's bad mood's gone which is such a relief.

"Yeah, something like that."

"So what made you come to America?" Sammy asks. I guess he didn't want to be left out anymore. I get like that too. I try to hold a grudge but then I see that it's not going to do anything so I have to give up.

"I dunno. I've always lived with my family in some form or another, so I guess I just wanted some independence for a while."

"When did you move?"

"About nine months ago."

"Really? So why did it take you so long to want to go out on your own?" Sammy's so nice just the way he says everything is just always so kind and considerate.

"Well, I don't know actually. I just started realising that my whole life, I've always had someone who I was being compared to. It got better when I left school, but then I moved back to England with Sher and John and it started happening again so I'd just had enough of it I guess."

"Wait," Dean's looking at me in the rear view mirror again, his eyebrows all knitted together. "_Back_ to England? Where were you before?"

I laugh. "Ready for another long story?"

"Sure," they say in disjointed unison.

"Well, Sher and Croffie are way older than me. Like, I'm only 23 and Sher's 36 and Croffie's like, 45. When Sher was 16 and Croffie was 22, our parents started fighting really badly. They thought that if they had another kid, things would get better, you know? That it would bring them together or something. So they had me."

"And did it work?" Sammy's voice is going all soft and melty and I think I might die.

"No, not really. My father ran off before I was born so he never really gave it a chance. We still don't know where he is. And my mother died when I was a baby," my voice hitches because I always get upset that I never really knew her. "So when that happened Croffie took me in and looked after me and Sher for five years. Then Sher was 21 and wanted to go off and do things and Croffie got a position as an MP and was suddenly super busy and they both knew neither of them could handle me, even though I was just about to start school. So I moved to New Zealand with my god parents, Jane and Darien."

"So that's where you got Jane from," Sammy says, shaking his head.

I laugh. "Yeah, except I never called them Jane and Darien. I always called them Ma and Pa, or Poppa, or whatever I felt like calling him. And they had this kid themselves, Hannah, and she was two years younger than me. I loved her like a sister and looked after her like my brothers did me."

"So where does all this comparing stuff come in?" Dean says, his eyebrows still pressed together.

"Well, Jane and Darien and Hannah weren't my actual family, so I was super different from them. Like, they all lived in the country and liked riding horses and herding sheep and all that shit. I hated that. I wanted to be in the city, watching people. Plus I love writing, so in the country where nothing ever happens, it's difficult to draw any kind of inspiration from it. After a while I ran out of things to write about and had to stay holed up in my room on the internet, finding out what was happening in the real world. So then Ma and Pa got annoyed, and started asking why I couldn't be appreciative of what they'd done for me and why couldn't I be sporty like Hannah was and why couldn't I be polite and successful like my brothers were."

"That must've sucked," Sammy says to me, but he's pointing it at Dean. Something must've happened there. Like maybe Dean was always better at hunting, or the family favourite.

"Yeah, it did. So I tried to do my best in school and got top marks for all my exams and assessments and stuff, and Hannah did really well and got a sport scholarship to a university, but didn't do too well in her exams. Like, she did alright, but not amazing. Then Ma and Pa were proud of me too and we got on heaps better and I didn't have to remind them as much that they weren't my parents. And I did a year at university in New Zealand to try and get a bachelor of education but I got bored with it. So I moved back to England with Sher and met John and started having people compare us together."

They're both nodding and _I feel like I have some big sob story, which I do but I don't at the same time. _

"It's not as if they realised it, though. It was just things like 'Wow, Tav, you must be so proud of your brother,' or 'So Tav what do you do?' or 'It's weird how you're not as successful as your brothers.'"

Sammy's just taken a really sharp breath, like he feels my pain physically. "Really sucked."

I laugh, brushing it off. "I don't really mind. I've given myself a chance to prove myself, you know? Like, show everyone that I _can_ be as amazing and talented as my brothers are, and I _can_ be as influential as they are."

"Then again, just running off like that and leaving them behind isn't gonna do much good," Dean says, dead serious. "You don't wanna go against the family like that."

"There's not much of a family to go against, really. There's no parents to worry about me anymore, Sher and Croffie've been in a fight for god knows how long. It's not as if I've forgotten them, either. I still call Sher all the time and Croffie and I talk sometimes. I've always been closer to Sher, but I never lose touch with Croffie, you know? Like, that would just be unfair."

"How do you know he doesn't feel like you've done that though?" his knuckles are turning white, he's holding the steering wheel so tightly.

I go to open my mouth but Sammy beats me to it. "What if she needs to go and do her own thing? What if she just doesn't want to follow exactly in the footsteps of everyone else?"

Dean snaps right back at him and I've just hit a nerve really hard. "What if her brothers need her? What if they worry about her every day and wonder what they could've done better and feel guilty because they know they should've been there for her more?"

Sammy starts to yell back but this time I interrupt.

"Ladies, ladies, please," they bite their tongues and their faces start to soften. "Look, I've sorted my shit out with my brothers, but I'm getting a feeling that you haven't, and that your situation is similar to mine. Is that feeling true, like, is a right feeling or?"

"Doesn't matter," Dean says, stone cold. He turns on his indicator and starts turning into a car park. "We're here now."


	5. Chapter 5

Dean turns off the ignition and looks from Sammy to me. "You guys ready?"

Oh yeah that's right we're a couple now, forgot about that. I shrug. "Guess so, yeah."

"Wait," Dean swipes his hand through the air, back and forth. "Can you act or are you gonna overdo it and ruin the whole thing?"

_Welcome home, Dean the Cunt Master. _"I'll be fine. Come on let's just do this."

I open the car door on Sammy's side and when he gets out I stand next to him and sling my arm around his waist, sort of resting my head on his chest_. Mm. I was right, he is the perfect height for this kind of thing._

Dean plays around with something in the car, then gets out and walks ahead of us towards the door, locking the impala. I look up at Sammy and he shrugs so we go after him into the lobby.

It's one of those old-style hotels that want to emphasise the fact that they're old by getting old fashioned furniture that's obviously really new. The lights are all huge chandeliers and look like they'd have a huge potential as a weapon if you wanted to kill someone at a dinner party.

The man at the desk is relatively old, probably about his fifties, and he has this hideous dark green, velvety suit on and looks about ready to shoot himself in the face. He looks at us over the top of his half-moon glasses, then sighs and folds up his newspaper.

"Hey," Dean says, the spitting image of Mr Cool. "Can we get a room for tonight?"

The man very slowly turns to the dinosaur of a computer and clicks around for a bit. I grasp the back of Sammy's jacket and nuzzle into his chest a little more. He squeezes my shoulder awkwardly and _if he keeps that up he's going to blow it. _

"Name," _the man sounds like he smokes five packs a day, holy shit._

"Dean Smith," he jabs his thumb over his shoulder at Sammy and I. "And this is my brother Sam and his girlfriend Tav."

He sighs again, handing Dean a key. "The answer to a question I never asked. You're in room 203."

I bite my tongue in effort not to laugh as Dean thanks him and turns to us.

"I'll get the bags, you guys go up to the room," he hands Sammy the key then goes back out the front door.

I look up at Sammy. _His jaw looks even nicer from this angle, and his hair turns all goldeny in the light of the Killer Chandelier and he looks so amazingly good looking._ He swallows and his Adam's apple bobs up and down again.

"Right then, up we go."

It's honestly not the nicest room you'd ever seen. I mean, it has everything you need; kitchen, bathroom, living room, one bedroom with two singles and one with a double. And that's it.

After our quick walk around, I remove my arm from around Sammy's waist and go to the bathroom. I lock the door and look in the mirror, checking that my hair's okay and I don't look like an idiot, which is a lot. There's a strand of hair that's come loose from my fringe so I pull a bobby pin from my pocket and pin it back down again.

_Oh my god what is happening to the floor? Wow it's moving a lot oh my god I think I'm going to be sick. Should I call for Sammy? I think I must have already because he's banging on the door. Since when was I on all fours? Maybe I can drag myself over to the loo in case I am actually sick. Who the hell is that? Why is he only in the mirror? I think I should call for Sammy again._

My eyes snap open and suddenly I'm on my back in the middle of the bathroom floor. I can hear Sammy yelling to me, asking if I'm okay and trying to bust open the door. His voice has gone all husky and it's strong now, not timid in the least. He must be worried. _Mm. it's really attractive._

_Ow, my stomach hurts so much oh my god. Maybe I should use the loo to help me get up. My head's still kinda dizzy and I fall onto the door as I unlock it. _

I stand back and Sammy bursts through, looking really worried. I lift my hand to my head and he holds my arms in his hands_. Oh god, even his hands are strong. _

"Tav, are you okay? Tav, talk to me, are you okay? What happened did you see something? Oh god, Tav, talk to me!"

I can hear my breathing really loud in my ears and every second time I blink I can see this figure in the mirror. I look at Sammy, who's brushing my hair back from my face even though it's ruining how I tied it up. I take his wrists in my hands.

"Sammy, calm down," his breathes out in relief. "I just had a bit of an accident, okay? I'll be fine."

I try to brush it off but my knees have other ideas and he has to catch me again.

"Maybe you should lie down," he suggests and I nod in agreement.

He puts an arm around my waist and helps me walk into the living room to lie me down on the couch, just as Dean comes in with our bags. His face drops as quickly as the bags do and he rushes over to kneel next to the couch. Sammy's got my head in his lap and he's feeling my forehead and everything keeps going in and out of focus.

Dean says something to Sammy that I can't quite hear but it sounds like he's yelling and my eyelids are getting super heavy and _I think I'm going to faint._

When I wake up Sammy's still sitting with me and my head's still in his lap. Dean's sitting in an arm chair with a plate in his lap full of food. When he sees my eyes opening he swallows his food and puts the plate on the coffee table.

"Hey, you okay Tav?" he asks as he walks past me into the kitchen.

"Mm. I think so," I try to sit up and Sammy holds my arms to help me. I scoot my bum closer to him and lean against his chest as he rests his arm against the back of the couch to support my head.

"What happened?" Sammy starts brushing my hair over my shoulder out of my face but how did it come untied?

"I don't know," Dean's come back with a glass of water and he hands it to me before sitting back down in his chair. "Thanks. Um, I just went into the bathroom and suddenly everything was spinning and I felt really sick," I take a sip of water and feel a bit better so I take some more. I think I've taken too much because I feel light headed again. "I think I was starting to faint and I," I laugh, trying to act as innocent and unknowing as possible.

"You what?" Sammy says, still stroking my hair.

"Nothing, I nothing," I take some more water then set it down on the table and sit up. Sammy puts one of his legs up on the couch and I fold mine up under myself so that I'm facing him and sitting between his legs, placing one hand on his thigh.

He smiles at me. "Come on, what was it?"

I look down and shake my head. _No, hair, go the fuck away. Okay time to tie you up._ "I thought I saw someone. In the mirror."

They look at each other. "What did he look like," Dean asks.

I shrug, putting my hand back on Sammy's leg after putting my hair back up. It must've fallen out because he was stroking it so much. "He was like, see-through-ish and white. He was kinda old too."

They nod. Dean stands up. "I call the double bed."

"Oh, no you don't," I grab his shirt as he walks past us with his plate, stopping him in his tracks. "You're in with the single beds, Sammy and I will take the double."

"But I called it," he says, taking my hand in his and trying to pry my fingers off him.

"That's so childish," I say, laughing and holding on tighter. "Sammy and I are having the double bed and that's that."

"Fine," he says, dropping my hand and I let go. He puts his plate down in the kitchen and I lean forward into Sammy, who wraps his arms around me. I'm lying on his stomach with my ear pressed to his chest and I can feel his breathing beneath me and his heart beating. It's a slow, steady _thump, thump, thump._ Almost hypnotic.

My eyes are starting to close again but not because I'm dizzy_. I didn't realise how tired I am after last night and everything that happened with James._ Sammy's heart is thumping and he's stroking my hair again. He finds this little lock of it that's come out of the bun and he's twirling it around his finger and my eyes are fighting to stay open and it's really warm in here and I feel so safe and comfortable and happy and calm and like nothing could possibly go wrong and _I like it here with Sammy and I wish we weren't pretending._

_But if I was reading things right from before, he actually likes me and thinks I'm alright. That's what I was getting in the car and at the roadhouse when Dean was taking the piss about me and Sammy pretending to be a couple and how Sammy was acting like a six year old boy having a tantrum. And how he's always so interested in what I'm saying and so concerned and considerate. And maybe it's time I should move on and forget about James. I obviously can't get over him just like that with a click of my fingers, but maybe it's time to start trying. _

_Wow didn't realise I'd actually started to sort of doze off. Hmm, maybe it's time to go to bed then._

I stand up and Sammy looks up at me. Dean must've gone to bed because he isn't in the kitchen or the living room.

"Should we go off to bed?" I say, and he stands up.

"Yeah, you look exhausted."

I laugh and walk over to the bags, getting out my toothbrush and walking over to the bathroom. Sammy comes to stand behind me and I hesitate before going in because I'm scared it's going to happen again. Sammy puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it reassuringly so I twist the handle and walk in.

We stand next to each other in the mirror and brush our teeth and when we're done he stands behind me as I splash my face with water and dry it off with the hand towel. I look at myself in the mirror for a while and he puts his arms loosely around my neck from behind, leaning his chin on my shoulder and kissing my neck where it turns into my shoulder. I smile and hook my hands over his arms and we look in the mirror for a while and I don't get dizzy and I don't see the man again.

Then I yawn for the first time and Sammy laughs. "Come on, let's get you to bed."

I nod, still yawning. The yawn is literally so big I feel like my cheeks are going to split, especially my left one because that's where James cut me. He chuckles the tail end of his laugh and pecks me on the cheek before taking his arms away and then walks out of the bathroom. I stay in front of the mirror for a little longer but then I get scared I'm going to faint again so I quickly leave and follow after him.

I find him sitting on the right side of the bed and I smile because I always sleep on the left and it's perfect. I go to my suitcase which Sammy must've brought in and rummage around for my pyjamas.

_Oh. Shit. I have to get changed in front of him now, don't I? Oh god, but I'm so fucking fat and insecure and ugly and my stomach's covered in scars and there's that super embarrassing birthmark on the back of my knee and I could always go back to the bathroom but I don't want to faint again and I'm not scared it's just I don't like fainting. _

I sigh without meaning to and Sammy looks over his shoulder at me. "Are you okay?"

I nod yes to him and just get changed while facing away from him and as quickly as possible. I brought my silk shorts with the little silk singlet because they make my skin look more tan than it actually is and I don't like how pale I am.

Sammy's already in bed and _god I hope he has at least nickers under there or I'm going to be really uncomfortable. _I pull back the covers enough to catch a glimpse of his boxers without him realising and get in next to him. I lean over and switch out my bedside table lamp and the room suddenly goes really dark. He's put his arm across the bed so I can put my head on his chest again and when I do I curl my legs up slightly and I can feel his chest lifting and falling again and hear his heart through his light grey shirt and he tucks the duvet in around me and starts rubbing my arm. He soon gets bored of doing that and starts drawing little shapes on it with his finger tip and it's so calming and I'm getting that warm, soft feeling again but there's something I need to ask him.

I spread my hand out on his sternum and use it to prop myself up. I can't see him in the dark but I can hear him turning his head to look at me.

"Sammy, what," I'm cut off but all the lights going on at once.

Suddenly I can see Sammy and his eyes move to look at where I think the door is behind me and he sits up and swallows hard.

I turn to look behind me and it's Dean, but it isn't Dean. I don't think Sammy knows that though. Sammy looks awkwardly from me to Dean.

"Dean, what are you doing?" he asks and I look at Sammy and try to give him a look to warn him.

I snap my head back to Not Dean and he's walking towards us. It can't be Dean. He's walking too rigidly and systematically. Not the casual saunter that Dean usually does. I try to look for a sign that it really isn't him; maybe the little dent on his cheek's gone or the freckle on his lip. But all those things are there. Then I see it because his eyes flash black. All of his eyes, ever the white bits, go completely black. And he smiles at us, the creepiest smiles you could've ever seen.

Sammy starts panicking and grabs the lamp from his side of the bed and chucks it at Not Dean. Not Dean crumbles to the floor and I'm frozen with fear. _What the hell is happening? I don't know what to think, like, what could possibly do that to Dean? What the fuck is happening?_ I don't have time to process anything because Sammy's grabbing my wrist and pulling me towards the door. I thought Not Dean would be out cold but he's getting up. There's a lump rising in one of the devils horns in his hairline and his eyes are back to normal but it's still Not Dean.

Sammy stops where the living room turns into the kitchen and looks around, his hand still firmly clamped on my wrist, but not in a hurting way. More of a comforting way.

Not Dean follows us into the room and he's still smiling that hideous smile and my stomach's churning. I look up at Sammy.

"Sammy, what's happened to Dean?" I'm looking at him from that really nice angle again where his jawline looks especially strong and I wish I had more time to appreciate how beautiful he is but I'm currently being attacked by Not Dean.

"He's been possessed," Sammy says, dead serious. "We're not dealing with a vengeful spirit. It's a demon."

Not Dean laughs. "Well done Sam. You know you were a lot slower than your little girlfriend was. She knew immediately, didn't you sweetheart?"

Not Dean looks at me and he even has Dean's voice and my hands are shaking again and I swallow. "Yeah, you didn't exactly hide it very well," _hey, I'm getting heaps better at controlling my voice now, that was pretty good. Confident even. Yeah, suck on that Not Dean._

Not Dean laughs again. "So, Sam, care to take a guess at who I am?"

I didn't think it was possible, but Sammy looks even more scared than he did before. "Meg?"

"Yeah," Meg starts picking at the back of the couch. "Except, I stopped being Meg a long time ago, after you exorcised me and sent me to hell," Not-Dean-Not-Meg grits his/her teeth and slams his/her fist down on the couch, then looks back up and Sammy and I. "Then I was you for a while, remember? Then that didn't work out, thanks to you friend there, Bobby, was it?"

Sammy sets his jaw and the vein in his neck is standing out. Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy laughs yet again _that's really unnerving I don't like it at all._ "And now, I'm Dean."

"Get out of him right now," Sammy half yells and his voice goes all deep and angry and husky again. My knees suddenly go weak and I collapse into him so he catches me with his arm.

"I tried to get her," Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy points at me. "But she was too strong, put up too much of a fight. That was me you saw in the mirror, honey," Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me smiles pityingly. "Shame, you would've been great to use. Just for a while. Just so I could get closer to Sam and Dean, just to play with them for a while. But no matter, I'll just have to cut to the chase."

"I swear to god I'll kill you," Sammy says, his voice still all throaty and attractive.

"How?" Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me starts walking towards us, but slowly with twists and turns, like he/she has all the time in the world. "I don't see a demon trap anywhere, do you?"

_Demon trap? I remember Tasha saying something about that when she brought me here._

"Face it Sam," Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me's getting closer and Sammy's slipped his hand down my wrist to lace his fingers with mine, but not on purpose.

_Something about it being a pattern used for the foundations?_

"I'm not giving up," Sammy says and Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me's standing right in front of us, but not paying any attention to me.

"Mm, maybe you should think twice about that."

"Sammy!" I yell suddenly, and he and Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me whip their heads round to look at me, Sammy scared and Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me annoyed.

"Excuse you," Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me says, scoffing at me like I've just very rudely interrupted him/her.

"No," I start laughing _because this is perfect._ "Excuse _you_. How long have you been here?"

Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me shrugs. "A while, few days maybe. Knew Ash was investigating that gay man who died here. Oh, but don't worry," he/she looks at Sammy and laughs. "I took care of him when I got here. I just had to wait for you and your brother to hear about it and come on down."

"Brother?" I look at Sammy and Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me gives me the same annoyed look. "You and Dean are brothers?"

Sammy looks from me to Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me then back to me again. "Do we really have to do this now?"

"Right, sorry," I turn back to Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me. "So have you tried to leave in those few days?"

"No, I was waiting."

"Yeah, see if you had, you'd know that this whole building is built on a demon trap," the face Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me makes is one of the most satisfactory things I have ever seen in my life. "So I guess you should've thought this through more carefully."

Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me shakes his/her head. "You're lying, you have to be," he/she's really worried now.

"So if I'm lying, you won't have a problem opening that window and putting your hand out of it, will you?"

Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me looks over his/her shoulder. He/she gives Sammy and I a look, then walks over to the window and tries to put his/her hand out, but can't. He/she screams and Sammy looks down at me, smiling. I smile back up at him and squeeze his hand. He looks down at our hands, fingers intertwined, then awkwardly removes his, still smiling.

_Wow okay that was disappointing um okay composure._ "So what now?"

Sammy looks at Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me, who's currently breathing very hard and looks very angry. "We exorcise this son of a bitch and get the hell out of here."


	6. Chapter 6

After I experienced one of the most scarring things of my life, we had Dean back and Not-Dean-Not-Meg-Not-Sammy-Not-Me poured out of his mouth and billowed through the floorboards.

Dean collapses in his chair and breathes heavily and I think it might not have worked but _oh, no he's looking up at us with a confused look and he isn't rigid anymore so I think it's safe._

He groans. "What happened?"

I walk forward and untie him. "We had a little visitor."

He moves his head and curses under his breath. "God dammit, Meg?"

Sammy nods and helps me get rid of the ropes. "She just doesn't want to give up, I guess."

We get Dean out of the chair and he stands up immediately, brushing himself off and walking away from the chair like it's going to eat him if he isn't careful.

"What's the time?" he asks, still brushing himself down.

I look into the kitchen to rad the time on the oven. "Quarter past twelve."

"I'm going back to bed," Dean says, like he's just been woken by someone who had a bad dream. He goes back into his room and slams the door shut. Sammy's standing next to me awkwardly.

"I don't think he wants me to go in there with him," he says, and swallows again. We're still kneeling at the chair.

"So I guess it's still original sleeping arrangements."

I stand up and walk into the other bedroom and get into bed and face away from the middle of the bed and the weather's nice and chilly so I can snuggle down under the covers properly without being drowned by the air. I shut my eyes and I'm relieved that I finally can because I'm so tired. After a few seconds I can see Sammy coming through the door because the light flickers and then I hear the door closing. He hesitates before peeling the covers back slowly and slipping into bed and trying not to disturb me too much and lying on his back with one knee bent up across the bed and his hand behind his head.

_It's extremely awkward now, because we're sleeping in the same bed but we don't know each other and we're not pretending to be a couple and we're too shaken up and tired to talk and I want to be how it was before with my head on his chest and his heart thumping steadily in my ear like a lullaby and his finger drawing shapes on my arm and his breathing making me rise and fall slowly. But I can't do that because we're not pretending anymore. We're just us._

_So maybe I can just pretend to be asleep and then pretend to roll over and lie on him. Maybe then that would work. Okay, so if I just let my mouth open ever so slightly and breathe deeply without snoring and make little sleepy noise when I roll over and so here I go and it's worked perfectly._

He stiffens but I just nuzzle my head into his chest and keep breathing heavily and he softens up but he doesn't draw shapes on my arm he just lets his arm curl around me and keeps the other one with his hand behind his neck and his knee bent up and when I rolled over I must've accidentally made our legs twist together but that's okay because it's nice being so close to him. Because it's comfortable and warm and I'm happy again and I feel safe and like he's protecting me and nothing can go wrong when really anything can.


	7. Chapter 7

"Come on kids, rise and shine!" Dean yells as he pulls the curtains to let a stream of sunlight pour into the room.

Sammy and I groan and he puts a hand up to shield his eyes. I lift my head and see him doing it and laugh. _Oh shit, lying on him was a "mistake," maybe I should act like it._

"Oh my god, sorry," I prop myself up and lean away from him to sit up on my side of the bed. "I didn't realise I'd rolled over."

Sammy laughs and sits up as well. "Don't worry about it."

Dean looks at us, his arms folded over his chest. He smiles to himself then walks out of the room mumbling about _"Kids these days."_

Sammy laughs, _and is that embarrassment, I sense? I think it might be._ "Sorry about him."

"Don't be, I know how older brothers can be," I throw back the covers and he watches as I hop out of bed and walk out to join Dean. "Just be thankful you don't have two of them."

I can hear Sammy laughing behind me and when I get into the kitchen I see that Dean's made a big cooked breakfast. He holds his arms up, this proud little smile on his face and I can't help but laugh because he looks adorable.

"Look what I made!" _I swear he's like a little kid sometimes._

I laugh, sitting on the couch and leaning over the back of it, my chin on my arms. "Well done, that looks amazing."

"Tastes amazing too," he says, rummaging around in the cupboards. "What would you like?"

"Uh, is there any orange juice?"

He stops a looks at me, still bent over slightly. He straightens up, his smile still there, but starting to go away. "Yeah, but. Don't you want anything to eat?"

I wrinkle my nose. "Whereas I love a good old fashioned cooked breakfast, and _especially _when I don't have to make it, I'm going to have to pass."

He starts at me in disbelief as I get up and get a glass from the cupboard, then pour myself some orange juice. "Why? Look at this, it's beautiful," he gestures to the various pots and pans on the counter top.

"I know, I know. It's just," I put my arm behind his back and squeeze his hip, happy with how comfortable I am with him after yesterday's car trip. "I'm not hungry. Sorry."

I start drinking the juice and go to sit on the couch. He watches me as I sit sideways facing the bedroom door. He lifts his shoulders ever so slightly and keeps smiling at me. "Unbelievable."

I laugh as Sammy comes out, hopping on one leg as he puts the other into his pants. He stands up and pulls them up over his waist and does up the button. "Do I smell bacon?"

"You sure do, Sammy Boy," Dean says, putting the plate on the counter and putting some bacon on it. "Anything else catching your eye?"

I scoff and he shoots me a look. "Unfortunately, I have a very rude customer at the moment, who refuses to try my delicious food and insists on having juice."

Sammy looks at me and I shrug and make a face like _I'm not feeling the guilt_ and he laughs. Dean puts eggs and beans and a pancake and toast on Sammy's plate, then loads up his own and they join me in the living room, Sammy on the couch with me but at the other end and Dean in the arm chair. _Hey I should stretch my legs out and nudge Sammy's legs with my toes to show him things aren't awkward. Ew he's laughing and it was cute but my thighs look huge now and that isn't so cute. Okay just bend your knees up under you so they aren't spreading out across the whole couch. God why are you so fucking fat?_

Sammy and Dean are looking at me _oh my fucking god did I say that out loud. Holy shit next time I do that I will literally shoot myself in the face. _

"What was that?" Dean cocks his head and pulls this face where his eyes go all squinty and his nose wrinkles and the corners of his mouth tug down.

"Nothing, just ignore me," _oh this is so embarrassing and there I go, blushing it up again._

"No," Sammy leans in towards me and does that cute pouty thing again. "Did you say something about _fat_?"

_I wish I hadn't tied up my hair because now would be the perfect time to use it to hide my shame._ "Seriously, just leave it. I was just, thinking out loud."

"Why would you be thinking about fat_?" Dean's super worried about me but I don't need him to be I don't need him and Sammy smothering me and I'm so sick and tired of people trying to look after me I can do it on my own. _

Suddenly I'm standing up with my fists balled at my sides. "For god's sake, why do you care? I seem to recall you never wanted me to come with you anyway! So what does it matter to you if I'm fat and I hate myself and why should I have to put up with your stupid face looking at me like I need help and I'm stupid? I don't need you to pity me, I'm not a fucking five year old for god's sake!" I know I've gone too far and I overreacted but I just storm into my room and slam the door and sit on the bed with my knees bent up under my chin and wrap my arms around them and try my hardest not to cry.

_Deep breaths, come one you can do this. You know it isn't even that important and you shouldn't worry about anything. Who cares what they think? And you know, you've been waiting ages for someone to come and support you, right? You've been so lonely since James died. So lonely. You just need someone to be there for you to lean on. Well, that may be true but you don't need them to be all over you all the time. For god's sake they aren't your parents. But then again, you really do like Sammy, and Dean's turned out alright. And you need this distraction and you need support. _

Trying not to cry hasn't worked so I wipe away the tear with the balls of my hands. _Okay breathe, compose yourself, calm yourself. Okay, now we're just going to get changed as quickly as possible, pack everything up, then just briefly apologise and move on from all of this. _

I move away from the bed and I can hear Sammy and Dean talking but I don't want to listen. I put on a pair of dark blue jeans and my burgundy hoodie and black Doc Martens. Then I zip up my suitcase and take a breath before opening the door and walking quickly into the bathroom to get my toothbrush. I make the mistake of looking in the mirror.

_Fat. All I can see is fat. Mountains of it, whole oceans of fat swirling around on my body. I pinch the skin at my jaw, wincing because of the cut James left there. _

_James. My boyfriend I made kill himself and who then killed all those girls. Because of me. Because of what I did. James who I loved with all my heart and whose heart I broke. _

_Fat and James and all the people I left behind and all the people who left me and who let me down and betrayed me and who ever said anything bad to me or ever put me down. So the crying starts again._

I sit down on the closed lid of the loo and hold my head in my hands and cry. I can't even choke it down I just wail and sob and howl and the tears stream down my face and _I can't take this pain anymore._ Sammy and Dean rush in and Sammy's kneeling in front of me and Dean's standing beside me awkwardly stroking my back. Sammy's trying to hold my head up with his hands and he's brushing my fringe back from my face and he finally gets me to look him in the eyes. His hands are on either side of my face and they're so solid and there. I cry harder.

"Tav, come on," he's trying to comfort me but him caring just makes it worse. "It's alright now, it's okay."

"No!" I yell at him with this thick voice. There's a silence and Dean takes his hand off my back. "It's nor!"

He and Dean exchange looks, then he meets my eyes again. "Look, let's just get all packed up and we'll talk in the car, okay?"

"Why? Why do we need to talk about this? Can't we just leave it? Can we please just forget that anything ever happened?" I wipe away my tears again then stand up and take my toothbrush and I don't look at them or the mirror as I walk back into my room and put my tooth brush away. Sammy comes in and I leave him alone to get changed. I look into the kitchen and Dean must be in his room because the pots are all over the kitchen bench so I tidy everything up while I wait for them.

Once they're both ready I take the room key from the table next to the door and walk out and down to the lift. We're all completely quiet on the way down and out to the car and I slam the door a little too hard when I get in. We're still quiet for another thirty minutes and just as Sammy opens his mouth to start talking, my phone starts ringing.

I pull it out and see that it's John. _What's he doing calling me at ten o'clock at night? I press the answer button. _"Hello?"

"Tav," he breathes and I can immediately tell he's crying. I sit up a little straighter.

"John, what's the matter?" _oh god something awful's happened._ Sammy and Dean turn to look at me. I catch sight of my face in the rear view mirror and I look as though all my blood has been sucked from my body.

"Tav, it's Sherlock," he's all snivelly and _I don't want to hear it. I really don't._ "He's," he has to try several times to get it out. "He's dead."

_My heart just plunged down and through the floor of the car and it's dragging on the tarmac and god it hurts._ "What?"

"He threw himself off the top of St. Bart's," _he committed suicide. My darling older brother committed suicide. _

Tears are pouring down my face again but I can't let John know that. _I have to be strong for him._ "John, I need you to listen to me. Can you do that for me? Please?" _I take the silence as a yes._ "Okay, I'm with some friends at the moment, I'm going to tell them, and I'm going to come right over," my tears are starting to seep through the bandage on my cheek and it stings really bad which just makes my cry even harder. "But until then, I need you to be strong, okay? I need you to just hold on a couple of days and I need you to look after yourself, and I need you to look after Mrs Hudson. Can you do this for me?"

He sobs even harder and I think Sherlock must've said something like that to him before it happened.

"John, listen to me. Breathe in," I hear him take in a shallow, shaky breathe. "Bigger breath than that. Good, now hold it. And let it out again. Okay, and again breathe in. Hold it. And let it out. Okay, so you keep calm and I'll be there very soon."

"Thank you," he barely gets it out.

"You're welcome. I'll see you soon."

"Okay."

"I love you."

"Yeah," and I hang up before I have to listen to him cry again and as soon as I do that I start sobbing again.

Dean keeps his eyes fixated on the road but I lean forward onto the centre console and Sammy strokes my hair down my back because I took it out earlier. He keeps hushing me and usually it would piss me off but right now I don't have the energy.

_Sherlock is dead. My brother, Sherlock Holmes, is dead. He has taken himself out of the world and he has left me behind. He has killed himself by jumping off a hospital roof. _

_I'll never hear his voice ever again. Never hear how his voice has been roughened by his old smoking habit. Never smell the warmth of his high collared coat. Never feel his soft curls under my fingers as we lay on the couch and he rambles to me about his latest case. Never watch his eyes flick around a room as the pieces of the puzzle come together. I'll never watch him pace across the floor in the deepest thought. Never hear him laughing at someone's stupidity. I'll never laugh at his cutting remarks to Anderson or whoever else may be annoying him. Never see the beautiful palette of colours in his eyes. I'll never feel his lips on my forehead when he wants to say something to me that he can't. Never see the beautiful look he gives John in the moments where it hits him how much he loves him. Never hear his stories told the way he tells them. Never crawl into bed with him when I'm feeling upset. Never have him look at me proudly when I've written something he likes, or when I hit a particularly high note in a song. Never hear him tell me yes. Never see him. Never feel him. Never smell him. Never taste the way he does my tea that makes it so much better than the way everyone else does. Never anything. Never be with him again._

And that's when I sit back and stop crying all at once. That's when I switch off and stop trying to stop crying because no amount of crying will ever be able to express how sad I am. _I am never going to be able to tell my brother that I love him ever again._

Sammy looks to Dean, who shrugs. He looks back to me and does the pouty thing but I barely even notice it. "Tav, what happened? What did John say?"

"Sherlock killed himself."

His eyes go wide and Dean swipes the back of his hand across his face.

"Why?"

I shrug. "I have no idea but it can't have been because he was sad. It was something else. Sherlock never let himself get into a state like that because he's always distracted by other things. Sherlock isn't the kind of person that gets sad so it wasn't because he was unhappy."

"Do, do you need to go back to England?"

I nod. _I can't feel anything. I'm just numb all over and it feels like everything is happening super slow and a thousand miles away._ "I need to say goodbye."

Sammy says something to Dean and Dean shakes his head and says something back. Sammy gets angry and says something else very loudly and huskily. Dean yells something and I think it might be "fine," and then he says it again very quietly and Sammy turns to me. He's talking at me but I can't hear him. I just nod. _Then I think I tell him I'm going to sleep and he nods and I go to sleep. _


End file.
